The Way We Were

I remember my mother often talking about how things were better 'in her day'. I swore I never say that same thing or think that. However, after this past weekend I think back and know that the 80's really were a better time.
There was an abundance or over abundance of everything; money, time, fun, sex. I am left to think of the Gladys Knight version of the way we were: "The good ol' days, the good ol' days, everyone keeps talkin' about the good ol' days. The skies were bluer, the winters were warmer, and smiles were bright !

It really was carefree. A new job, a new life, a first love and no AIDS. Can it be that it was all so simple then, or has time rewritten very line? If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me would we ? could we ? And the answer is "yes". I would do it all again.

There will never be another time like that - at least not in my lifetime.

So please don't talk about love tonight
Please don't talk about sweet love
Please don't talk about being true
And all the trouble we've been through
Ah, please don't talk about all of the plans we had
For fixin' this broken romance
I want to go where the people dance
I want some action
I want to love
Action
I have so much to give

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0UdP5oEn68

And so it goes.

How Fitting

Gotta get off, gonna get
Have to get off from this ride
Gotta get hold, gonna get
Need to get hold of my pride
When did I get, where did I
How was I caught in this game
When will I know, where will I
How will I think of my name
When did I stop feeling sure, feeling safe
And start wondering why, wondering why
Is this a dream, am I here, where are you
What's in back of the sky, why do we cry
Gotta get off, gonna get
Out of this merry-go-round
Gotta get off, gonna get
Need to get on where I'm bound
When did I get, where did I
Why am I lost as a lamb
When will I know, where will I
How will I learn who I am
Is this a dream, am I here, where are you
Tell me, when will I know, how will I know
When will I know why?

In My Life

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments

With lovers and friends

I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

So what brought this song to mind ?

I was thinking about Shrek and how Princess Fiona had to find her one true love. This led me to think about my one true love which led me to think about things in my life. Lovers and friends.

Of all those I have been in a relationship with, there really is no one who compared to my first love - Joe. We were both so young and when we broke up and then tried to get back together I didn't want to, and then when I wanted to, he didn't, and then before we knew it was just too late.

And as for my friends, past, present, past-present, and future, there will be no one who will ever compare to, or replace, Elaine. There is nothing she doesn't know about me. We have shared vacations, war stories, the same bed, thankfully not the same men - although there were a couple of mine that she would have liked the opportunity to. We have shared that many splendored thing her and I.

I am a better person, I am the person I am, and I have so much to be thankful for because of Elaine. Through thick and thin, through being pissed off with one another, we have gotten through it all. And every road leads me back to her. So I dedicate these songs to her:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFFuz5fQfZA&feature=PlayList&p=8C6634C244412D62&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=27

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XLF4dpl9MI

















And so it goes.

From One Day to the Next

I am very lucky. I had a birthday which stretched on for three days. A wonderful Sunday night dinner with my sister and her family; lunch with my work colleagues; dinner again at my sister's and dinner out tonight with a good friend of mine.

Also, out of the blue I received two phone calls from friends I had not heard from in years.

Then how come I still want more ?

No, I am not talking gifts or attention, I'm talking about my parents. The TV, newspapers and magazines are inundated with Mother's Day ads, and frankly it gets a little much too handle. I miss my Mom immensely. She was one in a million. Many will tell you that I have a good sense of humour and am very quick witted. Well if that is true, then I inherited them both from my Mom. She had a wit comparable to none. She also had one of the most incredibly generous dispositions you could imagine. The only thing greater than her generosity was her heart.

I remember when i split with my now ex. I got the following card:

It's been a difficult year for you, and you've had to deal with a lot more things than any one person should have to.

I just want to let you know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and heart and trusting that things will get better soon.

She then went on to write the following:

Dearest Child; You know how much I love you, always have and always will - - I am always here for you. God bless and all my love always.

Mom

So my thoughts have now left of the enjoyment I had for the past couple days to that sense of emptiness. It is difficult being an adult orphan.

I am thankful for all that I had, I am thankful for the wonderful memories of both my parent. I would be just so much more thankful if I could remember on my own terms without being told to.

And so it goes.

What I Know For Sure

I wish I could take credit for the following, but I can't. It belongs to Oprah Winfrey. This article comes from her 2002 O Magazine. As you may, may not know Oprah ends each of her issues with an article entitled What I Know for Sure. This article in particular had a major impact on me. So here goes:

"The first time Tina Turner appeared on my show I wanted to run away with her, be a back up girl, and dance all night on stage. (As any gay guy would want as well I might add). Well that dream came true one night in L.A. when the show went on tour with Tina. After a full day's rehearsal for just one song, I got my chance. It was the most nerve-racking, knee-shaking, exhilarating experience for me. For five minutes and 27 seconds I got a chance to feel what it's like to rock onstage. I have never been more out of my element, out of my body. I remember counting the steps in my head, trying to keep the rhythm, waiting for the big kick, and being so self-conscious. Then, in an instant, it dawned on me: Okay girl, this is going to be over soon. And if I didn't loosen up, I would miss the fun of it. So I threw my head back, forgot abut step, step, turn, kick, and I just danced. WHEEEEW! was that fun.

Several months later I received a package from my friend and mentor Maya Angelou - she'd said she was sending me a gift she'd want any daughter of hers to have. When I opened it, I found a CD with a song by Lee Ann Womack that I can still hardly listen to without boohooing. The song, which is a testament to Maya's life, has this line as its refrain: When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

What I know for sure is that every day brings a chance for you to draw a breath, kick off your shows, and step out and dance - to live free of regret and filled with as much joy, fun, and laughter as you can stand. You can either waltz boldly onto the floor of life and live the way you know your spirit is nudging you to, or you can sit quietly by the wall, receding in the shadows of fear and self-doubt. You have the choice this very moment - the only moment you have for certain. Are you dancing in the light or languishing in the dark? If your life ended tomorrow, what would you regret not doing? If this were the last day of your life would you spend it the way you're spending it today ? When was the last time you laughed with your girlfriend till your sides hurt or dropped the kids off with a sitter and went away for an entire weekend?

I once passed a billboard that caught my attention. It read HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS IS STILL DEAD. Anyone who has ever come close to death can tell you that at the end of your life, you probably won't be reminiscing about how many all-nighters you pulled at the office or how much your mutual fund is worth. The thoughts that linger are the "only if" questions, like Who could I have become if I had only done the things I always wanted to do?

The gift of deciding to face your mortality without turning away or flinching is the gift of recognizing that because you will die, you must live now. Whether you flounder or flourish is always in your hands - you are the single biggest influence in your life. And your journey begins with a choice to get up, step out and live fully.

I (and me too) hope you (none of us) don't get so wrapped up in nonessential stuff this summer that you forget to enjoy yourself - because this moment is about to be over. I hope you'll look back and remember this season as the time when you decided to make every one of your moments count, to relish each day as if there would never be another. And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

And so it goes.

It's Not Me. Its You

The line really is supposed to me "it's not you , it's me". The best example of it was used in a Seinfeld episode when George was trying to break up with his girlfriend. He tried to use the 'it's not me, it's you line" and she beat him to it.

Well I have been thinking a lot about that statement and have come to the conclusion that it really isn't me and it is you.

Now this may not apply to you - you who is reading this, but it does apply to a few recent incidents in my life.

I can honestly say that I am and try to be a good person. Oh yes I am sarcastic, sometimes make fun of others but it is in fun and I would never intentionally hurt someone.

That being said, Twitter has been an eye opening experience. Both internally and externally. I have met some incredibly nice people, Chris, Rhyse, Ross, Mike, Terry, Izzie, Blair to name just a few, but I have also met some who have chosen to remain aloof or even off hand.

This initially bothered me - and this was after extending a hello as well as in one case some feedback about a resume. Since that time the response I have had has been extremely off hand. Now I recognize this could be my perception. Perhaps not, and as such you may take what I say with the recognition this is being told from my perspective only.

Recently I ran into someone with whom I had a difference of opinion - unknown why - and I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to start anew, refreshed. Although there was civility at the beginning of the week, but Friday there was barely a recognition of my existence.

So where does this lead me. Well previously I would have been quite upset and replay anything I could have said or done. But now, I adopt the reverse George Costanza stance" It's not me and it is you !" So if I am not followed, not responded to, blocked, or ignored, I will know one thing, it's not me, its you.

And so it goes.

Stella Dallas

It has been at least a week since my last blog. I think this was two fold; one-I really have been busy and secondly I wasn't quite sure what to blog about and then when I did blog whether it would be worth reading.

Anyway, tonight the thought finally came to me. So here goes.

Twitter. As with most things in my life, I jump in with both feet. And as much fun as Twitter is / has been (and no I'm not leaving twitter) it is amazing how it can leave you feeling quite empty and questioning yourself. This happens when you respond to someone and then don't respond back. You then wonder "Is it something I said ?, Did he not get my tweet?, Why is he responding to others and not me ?". All these reasons make me think of Stella Dallas. Now those of you who have never seen Stella Dallas are missing one of the all - time classic movies. Stella Dallas (Miss Barbara Stanwyck) is a mother who lives, literally, on the wrong side of the tracks. She has a good relationship with her daughter, who ends up becoming engaged to someone from the other side of the tracks. Suffice it to say that Stella never feels she measures up and so as not to embarrass her daughter she does not attend her wedding. The final scene of the movie is absolutely heart wrenching. There is Stella standing in the pouring rain seeing her daughter married. It will tear at your heart.

I often feel I have lived my whole life as a Stella Dallas. Never quite fitting in - never being in, the in-crowd, always a step behind, always looking in at the party but not being invited in.

If I stop and think about this practically, why should I worry or care about whether someone I don't even know chooses to respond to me. It shouldn't matter. But you know what ? It does.

Perhaps one day I will end up with an invitation to the party.

Until then................

And so it goes.

What I Know

This says it all:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaxkSA49svw&feature=related

And so it goes.

Turning Your Back Can Create An Opportunity

Through Twitter I had the opportunity to meet one of the people I tweet with. I was to meet him and his friends at the Harbour Castle Westin hotel in the lobby bar.



I got there respectably late - 20 minutes past the hour, and there he was with a number of other tweets. With 6 or 8 people around him, I just couldn't get up the nerve to go introduce myself.



When I told people this story or when I tell people how shy I am they find it hard to believe. But it is true. I am painfully shy. I think it stems from my youth, my whole life actually, being overweight and unattractive. I often joked about being in a Trixie Belden or Nancy Drew novel. No, I wasn't the heroine, I was always the runner up - the fat friend who was the support. Now this isn't necessarily a bad thing, a sort of wind beneath the wings type of person is good. But after a while you do get tired of being the runner up.


Watching a made-for-TV-movie last night I heard this interesting statement: Fear is like a hologram. You think it's real and it stops you. But once you push through it you realize it wasn't real at all.

I hope I can learn from this. Because by not introducing myself, I missed the opportunity of meeting some very nice people. Truly my loss.

And so it goes.

All about me

I had planned to write more about me tonight - rather than write from my perspective, however Melinda called me and let me know that her husband was a little upset that I hadn't mentioned him. So this is all about Melinda's husband Pat MaGroin.\First off, let me say how sorry I am for Melinda - and often laugh out loud - at her name. I mean really, Melinda MaGroin ? Such a shame.

But I digress. This is about Pat; Pat MaGroin.

Let me sum it up this way:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCnUsInBQws

And so it goes.

All About Melinda

I was accosted yesterday by my friend Melinda. It seems she took exception to the fact that she had been my friend longer than some others and yet had had a blog dedicated to her.

Had she scrolled back she would have seen the blog which addressed her attempt at Twittering. Within 2 days she had 4 followers; 1 friend, 1 spouse , someone else and Mark – the rich guy. Within 3 days, Mark – the rich guy had left. Hmmmmmmm

So let me tell you about Melinda. A tall ravishing beauty with auburn hair that glistens in the sunlight. Eyes – two – deep and dark and mysterious, but always with a twinkle; a hint, of something yet to come.

Her skin is like alabaster with an almost like porcelain quality to it. And that smile – well that smile can outshine any star in the sky.

Her wit is quick and sometimes, rare mind you, but sometimes cutting. When she laughs the whole world laughs with her. When you are with her you want the minutes to tick so slowly – perhaps at half time so that each minute turns to hours and each hour turns to days. There is never enough time to be with Melinda.

When you are away from her it is like a deep cavernous well that you need to occupy with something until you meet again.

Yes this is all about Melinda. And so Melinda I hope you enjoy this blog.

And to you I dedicate this song by the Pipettes: Because It’s Not Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sONmpGNq5Ps&feature=related

And so it goes.

May you always hear a symphony

This has been a week of events - see my previous blog for details.



And one other major event was Diana Ross' 65th birthday.

Many of you know I have loved Diana Ross (from a far) ever since I can remember. I remember as a child sitting on the living room floor on a Sunday evening watching the Ed Sullivan show and many times seeing Diana Ross and The Supremes. I don't know if I become enchanted then or if it was during my coming out years when one of her big hits was "I'm Coming Out". It became an anthem to many in the gay community - certainly to me.




So where is this leading to ? you ask. Well surprisingly, not all about Diana Ross.



Last evening I received a comment to a couple of my blogs from my friend Dee Dee. After our conversation I got thinking about how much Dee Dee is like Diana. Not that she has knocked off a back-up singer, that I know of, . but she does have a beautiful voice, is stunningly beautiful; gorgeous in fact, both inside and out. Her smile is radiant. Her hair gorgeous.

She is now engaged and preparing for her wedding. And in turn this reminded me of Diana Ross and all her wonderful love songs.



So to Diana and to Dee Dee - Happy Birthday to you; Happy Wedding to you. Years of happiness and joy to each of you and may you always hear a symphony !



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_T9SEY8eLyk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3ZLbtWEQ54&feature=related

And so it goes.

Hello in there

If you read my blog a couple days ago you would know that I was going to my Uncle's house tonight for dinner. I haven't seen him in, I would guess, maybe 5 years nor his children - my cousins in about 32 years.

You would also see I was somewhat nervous. I shouldn't have been, after all they are family, but still after all that time - what would they think?, what would we say? would there be lulls in the conversation ?

I worry too much.

The evening was perfect. Dinner was delicious, conversation was great, my uncle's partner is lovely. It truly was as if no time had passed. Times like this make you question why so much time without connecting had elapsed. But you know what - don't think about that. Instead make every effort to ensure it doesn't happen again. Don't let 32 to years go by without contact.

You will have a few friends over your lifetime, many acquaintances, but only one family.

I am grateful for the reconnection. I am grateful for my uncle - even though he would prefer I call him by his first name only. But I just can't. To me that would be disrespectful. He deserves the level, the stature of Uncle. He is not just some Joe.

So to my uncle, my cousins, and my uncle's partner, thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you all. Except for the scary talk about the wood carving coming out from under the cottage, the night was perfect !

I'll say hello in there a lot more often.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ldqc0_vzfgk

And so it goes.

MORE MORE MORE

Do you remember that song by Andrea True Connection ?

More, more, more

How do you like it, how do you like it?

More, more, more

How do you like it, how do you like it?

More, more, more

How do you like it, how do you like it ?

How do you like your love ?

That was the golden age of disco. A lighter, happier time. Perhaps as a result of drugs, but I think not. It was the carefree age - few worries.

Today, what does More More More stand for ? It stands for pay more, more, more. Nothing to do with love.

Tomorrow we will be told of the plan to harmonize the PST & GST. For those of you reading my blog outside of Canada, the PST is the Provincial Sales Tax and the GST is the Goods and Services Tax.

This notification comes a day after we are told that there will be no cost of living increase (raise) and there will be no one time bonus for meeting our goals for 2008.

It is really quite disheartening to be hit so hard. It is not that I am alone in this and I recognize that this is not happening just to me. But on one income, with aging dogs, vet bills, increase in property taxes, increase in water bills, driver's license tax, it goes on and on and can become just a slightly overwhelming.

The governemnt has said that to assist those of us making less than $ 160K per year they will forward a payment of $1,000 in 3 installments over a calendar year. It is not indicated if this is a one shot deal or will be ongoing. The intent of this is to help the economy and encourage us to keep on spending.

Oh well, what can be done ? Not much I think.

So I'm off to throw on a extended remix, close my eyes and listen to Andrea True Connection and remember those carefree disco days, when MORE MORE MORE meant love and not taxes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTsTIS-8III&feature=related

Enjoy a little Andrea. Enjoy a little disco.

And so it goes.

Time for Eye Candy

I spent the evening deleting and transferring files from my old laptop in order to clean it up and out to give to my sister and brother-in-law. It has lots of memory, works well and they need one faster than what they have now.

I also got a phone call from my cousin. I haven't seen her in at least 32 years. I can hardly believe it.. Anyway she is in town and she invited me to dinner on Thursday night with her Dad and brother and her Dad's partner. Anxious much ? You bet !

What to wear ? What to say ? What to take ? Wine for sure and ????????????? ideas ? Chocolates ? A dessert ?

Well until then - think happy thoughts and hopefully HE will help !

And so it goes.

Especially for the ladies - or perhaps their spouses

To my little lady friends; all you have to do is ask !

How Lucky

Isn’t it nice when the unexpected happens ?

I was supposed to be at work this morning to attend a Union – Management meeting. Neither here nor there for me to attend, I was planning to present to the Union information about the new project I am working on. Well yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from my boss, Celeste, advising me that the meeting was canceled and I was free to take the whole day off. What a nice surprise.

I went grocery shopping, stopped at Walmart and picked up glucosamine and chondrotin pills (for my dogs). And headed to the waterfront. And here I am at T&T having a delicious lunch of squid and noodles, looking at the boats, the water, the birds, and sighing.

How lucky I am!

Lucky that I have a boss who is thoughtful and caring; lucky to have a job that I can take a day off from; lucky that I live in a city which is clean and livable; and lucky that I can afford to eat squid and noodles.

We (I) often take those very simple things for granted.

I hope to catch myself and stop myself from looking / focusing on the ½ empty cup. And if I do, then I hope you will set me straight – well as straight as you can.
And so it goes.

One of My Most Favourites

He is not only cute - but he sings a great song.

Enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhtAMmNjnjs

And so it goes.

Don't Wait - No Regrets

I had a wonderful evening this past Friday going out for dinner with work colleagues whom I hadn't seen in quite a while. It was one of those situations of 'we really should get together' but never did. Well we finally did. And I'm so glad we did. Dinner was great with lots of laughter.

Yesterday while driving, and over the past couple weeks I kept thinking I have to call my aunt who really isn't. We always refer to her as our aunt as she has been my Mom's longest friend. So I took the time and made the call and I am so glad I did. I could tell how happy it made her. Reminds me very much of talking with my mom and hearing those same stories; going grocery shopping, getting her hair done, waiting for someone to come visit, wishing she had a dog for companionship.

I made a promise to go visit within the next two weeks, and will take Giggles and lunch.

So if you get the chance to spend time with someone, friend, family - go do it - don't regret that you didn't make the effort.

And so it goes.

Don't EVER Let This Happen To Me

I had a near death experience yesterday. I was in my car - driving - and I glanced into the rear view mirror. Well just the way the sun hit my head, and the way the mirror was set and the tilt, and the street I was on and the time of day, I was struck !! Struck hard. No, not by another car, nor truck, nor person. But struck by the fact that I had a single, white ear hair protruding from my right ear.

Oh Lord what is happening to me ? I am aging long before my time. My biological clock is ticking. Big Ben is swinging and head to the 12.

I immediately regained control of the wheel and veered off into a darkened alley. Carefully, ever so carefully, I made sure no one was following me. No one was around.

I turned off the engine, got some newspaper and covered all windows. I then pulled out my grooming kit. I mean what well established tried and true homosexual doesn't carry a grooming kit with him ? And I carefully plucked the single white hair from my ear.

I then pressed the car lighter still holding the single white hair in the tweezers. The lighter popped out - hot and red, ready kill this hair for good.

I opened the car door; checked - no one was around.

I set the hair on fire. Swoosh it was gone.

I moved to the trunk and pulled out my shovel. I dug a small hole in the dirt. I gathered up the ashes and buried them. There is no longer any trace of this awful event, but this blog. Should it be true.

And so it goes.